Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
His hands were made for my vagina.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
