On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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