I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
