You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
