if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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