so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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