those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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