Sry I called you an 8
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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