so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
In other news, I just burned my penis
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?