I want to make a zoo with you.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo