Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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