meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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