xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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