i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
