We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
