I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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