Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Houston, we have a squirter
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
