My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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