what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I smell like Dick and happiness
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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