When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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