When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
