So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
