I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
