yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
