I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
