I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood