It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.