youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
this is jacob
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Right now you and beer are my only friends.