I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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