I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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