my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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