the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
