At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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