Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
