I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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