So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
