I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Randomize
