Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
