hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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