Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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