I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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