When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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