i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
