So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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