Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
