Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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