My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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