I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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