my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
