I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
