Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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