Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
