so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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