He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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