Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
