Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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