He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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