Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
