my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
