fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
the liver wants what the liver wants
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
