the new term for farting is butt boxing.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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