i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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