ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
