I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
