i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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